Desire. Its an evocative word. It conjures up images of staring deeply into someones eyes, a rush of emotions, a feeling of losing ones self in the moment.
Sadly this isn’t a sensation I have felt. Yes I have been in relationships and stared into the eyes of a loved one. But desire? No. If anything whenever I try and stare deeply into someones eyes I feel more awkward and uncomfortable. I want to lose myself but if anything I become more aware of myself. What am I doing with my face, have I got sleep in my eyes, are they looking at the imperfections of my skin, my bloodshot eyes, what should I be doing with my arms? The list is generated in an instance and within a moment I will break eye contact. That moment of almost desire is lost. I will then of course make a joke because I don’t know how to be desirable or, to be honest, conduct myself in any adult scenario.
I do long for this sort of connection but I am not really sure it exists. Just like love in the movies, is all the sexual tension and animal desire just a fantasy dreamt up by a writer?
I think the only form of desire I really feel is my unsatable desire for things. I have described myself as a black whole, a gaping hole that cannot be filled. Alcohol, food, phones, computers…. the list goes on. Even thing’s I do not need. But I desire them deeply and sometimes at great cost. I will spend ungodly amounts of money on something I want, but do not need, use it for a week, then cast it aside. The initial rush of happiness and satisfaction dies down and I lose interest and move onto the next thing. If anyone could help me with this problem I would be most greatful. My default answer to most of lifes problems is to throw money at it. Alas that doesn’t seem to fix the problem of never having enough money.
The post has turned to mindless rambling now so I will end it here. Never stop never stopping!