I am a very honest person. They say the first part of accepting you have a problem is to admit it. I have admitted it to myself and publicly for over ten years and nothing has really changed.
When my business was collapsing around me, I was in vast amounts of ever increasing debt and I had 3 teeth infected I was drinking a huge amount. I would go out to my job in the morning, get myself about £100 to £350 cash then go to the pub for opening. There I would sit and drink about 4-5 pints of the strongest beer I could until my girlfriend returned from univesity. I would meet her and on our way back to the house I would buy 6 cans of strong Lager to drink in the evening.
The main thing I noticed is that people didn’t realise I was drunk. I could converse proficiently, I didn’t stagger around, I was not aggressive or emotional. I was a functional alcoholic.
As time went on I cut my drinking down. I didn’t drink every day but when possible would sink as much as I could.
More recently I would go out drinking with my friends. When they were at the point of vomiting and heading home I would go to the off license and buy another couple of bottles of beer, drink one quickly before I made it home and then drink the rest. Anything to to get as much into my system as possible. I could happily drink a whole bottle of wine a night or have six beers. I drank half a bottle of whisky whilst gaming the other night and barely felt it.
Which brings me onto this past weekend. I am 16 stone, my health is going, I am drinking to hide from things that need confronting. I have quit drinking. It’s actually not healthy to go cold turkey when you have had such a sustained heavy intake of alcohol but I don’t think I can do this any other way.
It’s only been 4 days I think. Temptation is always there. I haven’t told anyone I have quit because then it becomes a thing. This is a very personal move for me and I need to do it for myself.
To hide this change I have started going to the gym after work and cleaned up my eating. If I tell people I am trying to be healthy perhaps they won’t pay attention to the drinking? Here is hoping.
It also feeds into my hope to become a more interesting person and find happiness. I think finding happiness will be a long journey with many things to complete. Quiting drinking seems like as good a place as any to start