I had a busy day yesterday. Two parties, of sorts, to go to taking my out of my household for the whole day. I had a good time although stressful at parts. Explaining my renewed eating habits and my refusal of alcohol was challenging at times but I find if I am brutally honest with people they tend to leave me along quickly. It’s probably not the best way to handle the situation as it makes it very awkward but then they are the ones asking all the questions.
It was getting on for 2130 and I was pretty tired. I was aware that my wife would be disappointed I hadn’t come home earlier. So announcing my, not very early, departure from the evening I was met with waves of disappointed comments and looks from people. Being a non drinker I was driving so I was taking one other person home. They didn’t want to leave. There attitude wasn’t really helpful with repeated underhand comments and criticism of me.
After I dropped them off I realised how lonely I was. Not in the sense I was alone, I have friends and family, but from a support perspective. My wife suffers from mental health issues to which she is receiving help. It is a very hard process for her. But it’s a very hard process for me. Every day when I get home she will talk for hours about herself then retreat upstairs and spend very little time with me. My friends want to go out and do things all the time. Generally this will involve alcohol but also spending a lot of money. I cannot do this because it takes me away from my wife and also I don’t have a lot of money. I never seem to be able to do enough for everyone for them to appreciate my time.
So I found myself driving home feeling sad that I had let the party down and feeling sad because I let my wife down. It felt lonely. Who can I talk to about this? The only two people in my life I should be able to talk to about it are the ones that cause me the most stress! Sometimes, when I am driving in the car, I am filled with a very numb sensation. Sort of like going to sleep but I am still very conscious. It’s at these times I just want to keep driving. Just get on the motorway and keep driving all night. Worse case I feel like driving headlong into a wall.
And even after saying all that I feel guilty for feeling like this. It feels selfish to think “well what about me?” Especially when my life is filled with so many things. It makes me feel like a spoilt child stomping my feet because I am not getting my own way all the time. And perhaps that’s it. Compared to so many others I live a charmed life. I have a job, a house, friends and family so why do I feel so alone at times?
Anyway the fact that this page is not scrolling down every time I drop down a line is stressing me the fuck out. That and the annoying bin lid that’s banging outside.
Be excellent to each other