I write on the back of a long conversation with my sister in law. She is rightly worried about my wife and her current mental health. She has crippling anxiety and is slowly working through her issues. It has been 5 years I think.
In that time I have endured much. I don’t want to come across as a saint as I am far from it. The absent husband perhaps would describe me well. I struggle with human contact and don’t really enjoy it. I like my own space. Likewise I struggle with empathy. I am not emotionless but I experience them at a much more subdued level than other people. I don’t believe love exists at least. It’s all familiarity.
So my sister in law is upset to see my wife seemingly getting worse and wasting her money on a form of therapy that she doesn’t like. In a way I agree. It apparently has no foundation in science so why would it work?
I am rambling
The problem I face is that she wants me to do something. Force her back to the doctors, force her to do something she does not want to do. And I don’t think that will help, in the short or the long term.
My support network is thin on the ground. My friends change the subject, my family are supportive but unhelpful and at that point I don’t know where to turn. Always at the back of my mind do I look at suicide. It’s such a great thing that firearms are illegal in this country. The ease of popping the barrel in my mouth and releasing 36 years of tension is appealing. I don’t even think I would give it a second thought. Roll my eyes and nope the fuck out. It is viewed as a selfish act but largely I feel it is more selfish to force someone to endure. My problems are not even that insurmountable. I could just walk away and start a new life if I really desired. But I am tired. the well worn blanket of depression is around me. In some ways its comforting and familiar.
So I am stuck in the same circular thinking, looping around like a trainline visiting the same stops over and over again. But which stop will I choose to get off at?
I don’t know. All I know is I am tired and I want to talk to someone but I also want to be left the fuck alone