My graceful descent….

So yesterday I gracefully descended from the wagon and found myself a nice comfortable spot in the ditch I recently climbed out of. Two weeks and two days!

I make no apologies. I knew exactly what I was doing. I can justify my decisions in hundreds of ways. All of them would be superficial half truths developed to placate me.

It was a tough weekend. I opened it with a very difficult conversation with a member of my family. She is upset about my wifes mental health and wishes to take a hard line on getting her help. I can understand her concern and that she feels she is losing her sister but her ideas are flawed and dangerous. She is not in a place to be pushed by anyone and any attempts to do so will cause long term rifts to develop. Alas it made me realise though that I do need to prepare for when I have to make the push. I have needs, I have hopes and I have goals to achieve and they are all unattainable in this current situation. So yes this was difficult, but also refreshing. I didn’t get to say much but I got that conversation out of the way.

In this  conversation I learnt some terrible things from my wifes past that I had no idea about. No there was no sexual assault. But still some very stressful situations that no young child should have been put through. Constantly on the run from debt collectors, hiding in houses alone fearing that someone was going to kick down the door at any seconds and living in a business unit with no cooking or cleaning facilities for several months. I suppose they could have played it out like a game but it sounded terrible.

Following on from this a close friend of mine brought to light the years of abuse he suffered. With an alocoholic mother, no idea who is father was and physically abused by his step father it was a strange thing to read. There he was laying himself bare on the page for me to read. And I just walked away from it. I didn’t offer support or words of encouragement. I just sort of put it to one side.

Then came the final blow for my resolution. A long drawn out criticism from my wife about my short fallings. I am not perfect. But I struggle with intimacy. I like my own space and I struggle to read her needs. I make efforts that I think are beautiful expressions of my love but these tend to go ignored. It’s like she doesn’t see what I see. Likewise I do not see what she sees. I don’t know the right thing to do at the right time for her to feel appreciated and loved. It’s so alien to me and I am left feeling empty and inadequate. I am sure she feels the same. I fear unless she can learn to appreciate me as I am then we are doomed to repeat the same cycles over and over (it already does if I am honest)

So there I was, a cocktail of negative emotions and a trip out to a pub quiz planned. I knew as soon as I left the house I was going to drink. I didn’t care. Having seen all the misery in the world that my friends have experienced throughout their lives, and expriencing my own brand of torment I simply thought “why be miserable?”

Arriving at the bar I picked the strongest beer I could and drank it. It was a pale beer with an incredibly hoppy flavour. Too hopppy for me so I moved onto my stable ruby ale for a pint. My firends pointed out that I had started drinking and I told them it was my night off. If I was going to drink I would torture myself with it. I would drink in a way that I knew would cause the maximum amount of pain tomorrow.

I was a little subdued at the start of the evening as I dwelled on the events of the day. I would like to say as I moved on I thought they would melt away with subsequent drinks. They didn’t. In some respects parts were amplified and in other respects they faded from my mind. Another pint of Ruby and I moved on to stout. Stout will fuck my day up. No sooner have I drank half a pint than the hangover starts. Don’t know why but there is something about it that doesn’t suit me. Still it was strong and tasted good so two pints of that thankyou very much.

At this point we had won the quiz. I hadn’t contributed anything. Not a single answer. But to the victor go the spoils. So a double whiskey was drank. Now I know tomorrow will suck.

I was definitely drunk but I didn’t really feel it too much. I spoke to my sister about the days events although I cannot recall what was said. I just spoke to pass the time as I headed home and to air my thoughts. It was at this point I remembered about my friends message. I still hadn’t responded! I thanked him for being open about his feelings and apologised for my failure to respond. He regretted saying it and had wished to take it all back. I can understand. At the time it can seem good to say some things but with hindsight can make things difficult.

When I got home it was straight to bed. I was feeling emotional but no regrets about what I had done. I still feel it was kind of justified and am viewing it as a test. I haven’t had the thirst again and I start the challenge anew. In two weeks and four days my friend is back from Canada and I am afraid I will be drinking then. But perhaps I have prooved to myself that I can manage it? I don’t know I am probably lying to myself again!

And the hangover? Yes it was certainly a good one. Headache for a day and bit, felt very sick for the first half of the day and rough the rest of it. A suitable punishment perhaps and enough to put anyone off for a day or two. But I will again endeavour to push beyond a few days and make it to another two weeks and a bit.

I’m in pretty high spirits for now though.

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