Rather uninspired recently.
I have plenty going on to say but I have no desire to document it. I feel I was getting more bitter by writing it down. It gave me a platform to air my grievances but also creating an echo chamber for my hate. Anyway updates to the various things going on right now.
I fell off the wagon and stayed there. It did make me realise that I didn’t have as much of a problem as I thought however there is definitely a problem there. Trying to have another couple of weeks off the booze but this has a lot more to do with finances than anything else. I have a wine tasting in a fortnight though!
My relationship continues to be a cause for concern. Is it me? Is it her? No idea. Sometimes she makes me feel like I am the worst person on earth and will never be good enough for her. I understand her needs and sadly I cannot fulfill them. I am not an intimate person. I do not like holding hands, I do not like sitting with another person and my ignorance of other peoples feelings is frankly criminal. Perhaps it is a perceived self reliance of my own that I feel all other people must be able to maintain. Yes, you have told me that you are ill and I acknowledge that, but I cannot do anything about it so lets move on. I don’t really do sympathy. It feels weird and alien to me.
My job is a disaster. I might be being paranoid but despite being assured we all safe in our jobs I cannot help but feeling things are changing in such a way that I wont be there in a year. Activities I should be well up to date with are a struggle. A new system has been deployed and I feel helpless as I have not been involved. I am always the weakest link in the chain. No training, no prospects and no skills. I am a thought process. X is broken, it broke on this day at this time, lets see what went wrong.
Also my philosophy on life is getting hard to cope with. I accepted the void into my life and for a while it was liberating. But now I feel like I should have stopped at 25. That would have given me the best of everything without this 40 year grind to the grave I am now faced with. Perhaps I need to get out of my routine? Mix things up a bit.
I no longer make promises to myself. I am lazy and will not follow through.