Update

Rather uninspired recently.

 

I have plenty going on to say but I have no desire to document it. I feel I was getting more bitter by writing it down. It gave me a platform to air my grievances but also creating an echo chamber for my hate. Anyway updates to the various things going on right now.

I fell off the wagon and stayed there. It did make me realise that I didn’t have as much of a problem as I thought however there is definitely a problem there. Trying to have another couple of weeks off the booze but this has a lot more to do with finances than anything else. I have a wine tasting in a fortnight though!

My relationship continues to be a cause for concern. Is it me? Is it her? No idea. Sometimes she makes me feel like I am the worst person on earth and will never be good enough for her. I understand her needs and sadly I cannot fulfill them. I am not an intimate person. I do not like holding hands, I do not like sitting with another person and my ignorance of other peoples feelings is frankly criminal. Perhaps it is a perceived self reliance of my own that I feel all other people must be able to maintain. Yes, you have told me that you are ill and I acknowledge that, but I cannot do anything about it so lets move on. I don’t really do sympathy. It feels weird and alien to me.

My job is a disaster. I might be being paranoid but despite being assured we all safe in our jobs I cannot help but feeling things are changing in such a way that I wont be there in a year. Activities I should be well up to date with are a struggle. A new system has been deployed and I feel helpless as I have not been involved. I am always the weakest link in the chain. No training, no prospects and no skills. I am a thought process. X is broken, it broke on this day at this time, lets see what went wrong.

Also my philosophy on life is getting hard to cope with. I accepted the void into my life and for a while it was liberating. But now I feel like I should have stopped at 25. That would have given me the best of everything without this 40 year grind to the grave I am now faced with. Perhaps I need to get out of my routine? Mix things up a bit.

I no longer make promises to myself. I am lazy and will not follow through.

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My graceful descent….

So yesterday I gracefully descended from the wagon and found myself a nice comfortable spot in the ditch I recently climbed out of. Two weeks and two days!

I make no apologies. I knew exactly what I was doing. I can justify my decisions in hundreds of ways. All of them would be superficial half truths developed to placate me.

It was a tough weekend. I opened it with a very difficult conversation with a member of my family. She is upset about my wifes mental health and wishes to take a hard line on getting her help. I can understand her concern and that she feels she is losing her sister but her ideas are flawed and dangerous. She is not in a place to be pushed by anyone and any attempts to do so will cause long term rifts to develop. Alas it made me realise though that I do need to prepare for when I have to make the push. I have needs, I have hopes and I have goals to achieve and they are all unattainable in this current situation. So yes this was difficult, but also refreshing. I didn’t get to say much but I got that conversation out of the way.

In this  conversation I learnt some terrible things from my wifes past that I had no idea about. No there was no sexual assault. But still some very stressful situations that no young child should have been put through. Constantly on the run from debt collectors, hiding in houses alone fearing that someone was going to kick down the door at any seconds and living in a business unit with no cooking or cleaning facilities for several months. I suppose they could have played it out like a game but it sounded terrible.

Following on from this a close friend of mine brought to light the years of abuse he suffered. With an alocoholic mother, no idea who is father was and physically abused by his step father it was a strange thing to read. There he was laying himself bare on the page for me to read. And I just walked away from it. I didn’t offer support or words of encouragement. I just sort of put it to one side.

Then came the final blow for my resolution. A long drawn out criticism from my wife about my short fallings. I am not perfect. But I struggle with intimacy. I like my own space and I struggle to read her needs. I make efforts that I think are beautiful expressions of my love but these tend to go ignored. It’s like she doesn’t see what I see. Likewise I do not see what she sees. I don’t know the right thing to do at the right time for her to feel appreciated and loved. It’s so alien to me and I am left feeling empty and inadequate. I am sure she feels the same. I fear unless she can learn to appreciate me as I am then we are doomed to repeat the same cycles over and over (it already does if I am honest)

So there I was, a cocktail of negative emotions and a trip out to a pub quiz planned. I knew as soon as I left the house I was going to drink. I didn’t care. Having seen all the misery in the world that my friends have experienced throughout their lives, and expriencing my own brand of torment I simply thought “why be miserable?”

Arriving at the bar I picked the strongest beer I could and drank it. It was a pale beer with an incredibly hoppy flavour. Too hopppy for me so I moved onto my stable ruby ale for a pint. My firends pointed out that I had started drinking and I told them it was my night off. If I was going to drink I would torture myself with it. I would drink in a way that I knew would cause the maximum amount of pain tomorrow.

I was a little subdued at the start of the evening as I dwelled on the events of the day. I would like to say as I moved on I thought they would melt away with subsequent drinks. They didn’t. In some respects parts were amplified and in other respects they faded from my mind. Another pint of Ruby and I moved on to stout. Stout will fuck my day up. No sooner have I drank half a pint than the hangover starts. Don’t know why but there is something about it that doesn’t suit me. Still it was strong and tasted good so two pints of that thankyou very much.

At this point we had won the quiz. I hadn’t contributed anything. Not a single answer. But to the victor go the spoils. So a double whiskey was drank. Now I know tomorrow will suck.

I was definitely drunk but I didn’t really feel it too much. I spoke to my sister about the days events although I cannot recall what was said. I just spoke to pass the time as I headed home and to air my thoughts. It was at this point I remembered about my friends message. I still hadn’t responded! I thanked him for being open about his feelings and apologised for my failure to respond. He regretted saying it and had wished to take it all back. I can understand. At the time it can seem good to say some things but with hindsight can make things difficult.

When I got home it was straight to bed. I was feeling emotional but no regrets about what I had done. I still feel it was kind of justified and am viewing it as a test. I haven’t had the thirst again and I start the challenge anew. In two weeks and four days my friend is back from Canada and I am afraid I will be drinking then. But perhaps I have prooved to myself that I can manage it? I don’t know I am probably lying to myself again!

And the hangover? Yes it was certainly a good one. Headache for a day and bit, felt very sick for the first half of the day and rough the rest of it. A suitable punishment perhaps and enough to put anyone off for a day or two. But I will again endeavour to push beyond a few days and make it to another two weeks and a bit.

I’m in pretty high spirits for now though.

Two weeks down

beer_in_glass_close_up

So it’s two weeks now without drink and it is getting harder. I’m tired, bored and stress level are ramping up both at work and home.

Initially going to the supermarket was relatively easy. Stay to the veg aisle and keep focussed. When I walked past any alcohol offers I felt a sense of pride as I was not drawn in. But last night in Sainsburys it felt like I was in some sort of shrine to alcohol. At the end of every row was an offer on beer, wine or spirits, sat there tempting me back.

Also I sat and watched Bridget Jones baby. Great film, I love the series, but my god it made me fondly remember drinking. Every other scene had a bottle of something as one of the central characters.

But I endure

it is getting very easy to justify having a drink though. I’ve done well to get this far, I didn’t really have a problem, I would only have one or two to get a buzz and have some fun then I can get back on the wagon, it’s been a stressful recently you probably deserve it. Perhaps I could just have the one? I never used to be able to though. And that’s not really the point. I am going through this process for me, nobody else, and if I cannot do that then what can I do?

I think this weekend will be hard. Probably this evening the hardest. Even as I typed this I thought to myself “Yeah you could have a couple of cans mate”

One thing that I would have hoped improved over the two weeks was my weight. I have been eating super clean and not drinking at all yet my weight! My weight remains at a healthy 15 stone. I say healthy. It isn’t. Lets see if I can make it to three weeks! Next Friday is month end and that will be super hard. Maybe I will have a drink for getting through that but when I have got to 3 weeks surely pushing to 4 is the best policy?

So who do I talk to?

I write on the back of a long conversation with my sister in law. She is rightly worried about my wife and her current mental health. She has crippling anxiety and is slowly working through her issues. It has been 5 years I think.

In that time I have endured much. I don’t want to come across as a saint as I am far from it. The absent husband perhaps would describe me well. I struggle with human contact and don’t really enjoy it. I like my own space. Likewise I struggle with empathy. I am not emotionless but I experience them at a much more subdued level than other people. I don’t believe love exists at least. It’s all familiarity.

So my sister in law is upset to see my wife seemingly getting worse and wasting her money on a form of therapy that she doesn’t like. In a way I agree. It apparently has no foundation in science so why would it work?

I am rambling

The problem I face is that she wants me to do something. Force her back to the doctors, force her to do something she does not want to do. And I don’t think that will help, in the short or the long term.

My support network is thin on the ground. My friends change the subject, my family are supportive but unhelpful and at that point I don’t know where to turn. Always at the back of my mind do I look at suicide. It’s such a great thing that ¬†firearms are illegal in this country. The ease of popping the barrel in my mouth and releasing 36 years of tension is appealing. I don’t even think I would give it a second thought. Roll my eyes and nope the fuck out. It is viewed as a selfish act but largely I feel it is more selfish to force someone to endure. My problems are not even that insurmountable. I could just walk away and start a new life if I really desired. But I am tired. the well worn blanket of depression is around me. In some ways its comforting and familiar.

So I am stuck in the same circular thinking, looping around like a trainline visiting the same stops over and over again. But which stop will I choose to get off at?

I don’t know. All I know is I am tired and I want to talk to someone but I also want to be left the fuck alone

Label!

I see the daily prompt is label and I thought to myself “everyone is going to write about societal labels” so I thought I would mix things up.

Part of my job is to design labels and maintain label printers for a massive company. It is one of the highlights of my job that allows me, no matter how small, to flex my creative muscles.

Despite there being some very strict rules to follow about fonts and styles I manage to slip in small improvements. If it is a small alignment issue, a change of font size, or relocating any product images, it makes me feel good about myself.

Next time you are looking at a product and find a sticker with product information, batch numbers, serial numbers, times and dates of manufacture, perhaps stop and think to yourself that someone may well be proud of the label and it took a lot of work to get it looking just right

via Daily Prompt: Label

The anywheres

As I drove to work this morning I listened to a religious gentleman (I wasn’t listening at the start so I am unsure to what religion he belongs) talking about politicians. He criticises the career politicians who uproot themselves from their communities to chase their political careers in places they have no real connection.

Part of me agrees with this criticism. But then another part of me doesn’t. Something that really gets me down about the human race is our tribal and insular behaviour. We hope to succeed in the modern world yet we are increasingly putting up more barriers and taking time to point out each others differences. We are not even celebrating differences. A difference is a weapon that you can use to control people. Especially if you are in the majority but it’s not always the case.

What I am trying to say is that “anywhere” politicians are doing something I think we should all do. We shouldn’t feel a part of this place, country, hemisphere or race. We should feel like a part of humanity. Now there is a word that is misused. “Humanity” It makes me think of kindness and sharing. Looking out for one another. But if you look at the entire history of Humanity you will see pain and suffering for thousands of years.

We need to start thinking globally and outside ourselves for us to move into the future. Failure to do so is going to end badly for us.

Kicking the booze update

Just over a week and I can say it has been fairly easy. I have busied myself in the kitchen as soon as I get home to make nice food, avoided going out after work with friends to avoid temptation, tried to avoid nipping to the corner shop and just generally avoided situations which would encourage drinking. I am always proud of myself when I walk past the aisle in the supermarket or the fridges in the local shops.

Couple of parties this weekend so I made myself designated driver which helps. I managed to say “No thanks I am driving” for the first half of the evening then let slip in conversation I had stopped drinking. At that point the questions started coming and I was honest. As soon as you start saying “I have a problem” people seem to shut the conversation down quickly. I hope that it wasn’t upsetting for them. I don’t even know why I am thinking that.

Turned out there was another chap there doing the same thing so that always makes it easier.

I think it gets harder form here. Getting busier at work and its getting warmer so everyone wants to go out in the evening to pub gardens (it’s still about 5 degrees C at night but if the suns out in the day people seem to forget) and in the coming months I have a few events that I may drink at.

That will be a test. Probably not a good idea